All of my life I’d say I have had a small amount of girlfriends. Very few indeed mostly standing at two or less at anyone time. I can’t say why this is neccessarly but that is how my life has been. But when I think about my late sister Lea, had many girlfriends. And that I can’t neccesarly tell you why either. She was very nice and did things special. But for the most part I think all friends do nice things etc… just in there own way. But my sister had tons of friends here and there and every where. I think I might have been jealous somewhere cause I couldn’t rub to friends together to have a girls night. A lot of time I ended up going out with her and her friends.

True I’m a crab (cancer) and with that I do stay to myself a bit more then others. But now as a growing woman, I would love to have more girlfriends to talk to. To actually have choices of who I want to talk to, or have enough that I would have to say to one ” I can’t today I already have plans with so and so”. One of my friend faults is conversation. I can talk with you one day for hours but I wont want to talk with you again for a month or more. Phone conversation get on my nerves a bit. So hopefully it’s still possible to find a good girlfriend that you didn’t meet in elementary. And that another story, some women have issues that I can’t deal with.

So I will meditate about it and I’m sure it will come.

My friends list for that last ten years:

Precious – since 15yrs. friends on and off I wrote about it.

Chavaugh – A really good friend since 14 but she lives in DC

Jessica – friend in high school, but somewhere she decided she was too good to be my friend

Tamara – friend in high school but I could be her friend any more when she didn’t have my back one day when I was blasted from alcohol.

Amy – A friend I meet early after high school at a job. We hung out for a while but once I got pregnant she didn’t come around.

Jazzy – An older women I’ve meet recently in my life when I lived in my apartment. She would talk to me about everything. But I could never get her to get out of her house to do stuff like date and social events. But we still talk occasionally.

So I’m working on my list. It sucks!

So now as I’m discovering all of the wonderful benefits it has to offer. I’m having fun in a weird way. Listen to people giving advice, sharing ideas, and there plenty of sex. That’s all you need really!

I was happy to find podcasts on meditation. Due to my environment which I’m trying to get out of. It gives me a bit of stress that me and my daughter don’t need. So I’m learning just to brush things off my shoulder and move forward with meditation I’ve found on podcast. That is a powerful thing for me as I do hold on to things. Not to say that I shouldn’t. I’ve learned that I can remember it but not to hold resentment towards the situation or the person. It’s only defeating me in the end.

So I say to podcast I’m sorry I have neglected you all this time. Thanks for waiting until I came around.

So far I’ve only found or ventured I’d say into a few podcast directories such as:

The first 2 that have come up on google search. But I would like to check out more directories. So if anyone has any suggestions of podcast directories that are cool, updated, interesting, worth the look, do leave me a comment so I can pod and seek.

I don’t believe you,
you said you was telling the truth,
but when I found you,
lying with her in our room,
you can’t deny that,
you failed to hide that,
so now what am I to do…

Chorus:

Can’t have nothing between us
your a liar,
pants on fire,
I hope you understand,
I was a good woman…

Too U, Too U

2nd

You told me stories,
of hurt in the past,
you said you’d never go back,
and you was finished with that,
but then you did it to me,
you said you love me,
i thought I was the one,
you son of a gun…

Chorus

3rd

So pack your shit,
get up out of here,
I’m done with the lies,
don’t need your alibi…
just your good bye,
get out of my life…

liar, liar, pants on fire

While on this journey of self realization. I happen upon this podcast by Roy Masters. Its mediation. Now I didn’t want to be hypnotized, but I took a chance and listened to it. I was incredible. It has helpful techniques on how to get your mind away from anger and resentment. It’s about a 30 minute meditation to help you stay in the present and not focus on the past, where resentment and anger lye. And that’s helpful for me, cause in the pit I have built, is the past and it’s anger. The meditation just simply tells you to let go of it and be happy with you and the things you do. Telling you not to focus on the past and focus on the present. Where your happiness lyes. With patience and time life will become easier, happier and willing.

So I’m already changing just knowing someone understands what I am going threw and has something to remind me that it’s about me and a happier life. It was no hypnotism involved, more like a wiliness to want to change for the betterment of your life.

I got the free meditation from itunes. Or you can go to his website www.fhu.com

Im not trying to throw negative vibes in the air, be mentioning such things. I really want to understand where it is coming from and get rid of it. Is it me? Is it life? Will it pass?

All I can say now is I’ve tried hard in these few months to change my thinking and look forward and not back. So I’m am truly hoping that my efforts are not over looked for long.

I had planned all of these thing for it. But didn’t quit flow through. I ended up spending it in two ways I hadn’t though of before and basically it all came from Walmart. I would have preferred I guess to save it or put a down payment on a car. But that’s another story. I need a job!

Title: D-Day
Date: 2008-06-06